Would you read this book?

Okay, suppose you’re looking for a new urban fantasy to read. Would this blurb entice you to pick up the book?

“Whoever said ‘what you don’t know can’t hurt you’ had never been in courier Kate Donohue’s shoes. She can’t remember anything from a special rush job this afternoon, but whatever happened must have been pretty wild, because now there’s a werewolf in her kitchen trying to kill her. And he’s just the first in line. Suddenly Kate’s running for her life, but if she doesn’t remember what happened soon, more than her life will be at stake.”

In case you haven’t guessed, I’m working on the blurb for my upcoming book, previously only known by the highly imaginative title “Dragon novel”, but now tentatively titled Twiceborn.
I feel as if that last sentence needs work. It seems to kind of fade off, but I don’t want to give too much away. Blurb-writing is harder than it looks!
Here’s another, slightly longer version, with a different last sentence:

“Whoever said ‘what you don’t know can’t hurt you’ had never been in courier Kate Donohue’s shoes. She can’t remember anything from a special rush job this afternoon, but whatever happened must have been pretty wild, because now there’s a werewolf in her kitchen trying to kill her. And he’s just the first in line. 

It’s a nasty introduction to the hidden world of the shifters, but the news gets worse. It’s a world at war, and Kate will be a casualty if she can’t remember what happened – but first she has to live through the night.”

Any better? Worse? What do you think?
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2 Responses to Would you read this book?

  1. Actually, I would get rid of the first sentence. The quote just gets in the way of the actual meat of your story. Maybe start something like this?

    “Courier Kate Donohue can’t remember her special rush job this afternoon, but she does know that whatever it was, it set a werewolf on her trail. And now the wolf is in the kitchen, trying to kill her …”

    Also maybe talk about what Kate’s goal is–other than remembering–what’s her main mission?

    Sounds exciting!

    • Marina says:

      Thanks for your input, Jenn. You’re right, I need more about Kate and her goal. Hard to do without giving away the book’s big secret! **Goes off to work on blurb some more.**